Anxiety Ridden Mind

Anxiety Disorder is the most common mental health illness in the United States. Affecting over 40 million adults in the United States who are 18 years old and over, 60% of them are women and I’m one of them.

I was never fully diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder, but I clearly remember my first panic attack like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my dorm room my freshmen year of college. I just had a huge fight with my boyfriend at the time. It was fall, wearing my favorite jeans and jacket combo with my tims. I felt like my life was over when in reality it was just starting.

Anxiety is a feeling of worriness, nervousness, or unease. It can also be accompanied by compulsive behavior and/or panic attacks. Compulsive behavior, also known as OCD, is a brain based anxiety disorder, which is accompanied by negative thoughts, such as ‘nothing good is going to happen to me’. This is cognitive dissonance thought, which is having simultaneously having contradictory thoughts or beliefs. When you start to educate yourself, you start to learn more about yourself and the world around you.

I was crying, but the tears weren’t coming, my heart was racing, I felt like I was going to die, I couldn’t breathe, I was rocking back in forth on the floor in fetal position, I wanted to scream help, but no words would come out. I was hoping and praying someone would walk through the door to save me. However, I realized afterwards I didn’t need saving.

My mom suffers from anxiety that is also accompanied by a form of OCD in order to ease how anxiety. My mom can be related to the hoarding type of OCD, which sounds weird because her hoarding is surrounds food. Everyday I come home and every weekend she goes grocery shopping there is so much food it’s crazy. Yesterday in our cabinets I found 15 bottles of BBQ sauce. At my worst, I also had a hoarding problem, but it was more of the shopping hoarding. I have a tiny room at home and clothes were everyway! However, I realized I was throwing money away and now I’m doing a life cleanse. This took me awhile to mentally get myself ready for a 30 day fiscal fast. The idea is to use up all the food, the toiletries, clothes, shoes, everything you own. This help me donate a lot of my clothes, use up those travel bottles of shampoo/conditioner, and realize what my person style is. There are rules to the fiscal fast and so far I’m doing pretty good! In terms of my anxiety, I feel lighter and blessed each and every day!

My whole family suffers from anxiety. I refused to go to the doctors to get tested for anxiety just so I’d have to rely on medicine to help my racing thoughts. Just like my sophomore year of high school when I decided not to take my depression medicine anymore, I knew I could find happiness and positivity within myself. Mentally, this is when I decided to my own hero of my story, but physically, emotionally, and spiritually I wasn’t there yet.

Where do you start? Where did I start? How did I start? What did I get myself into? If you read my last post you’d knew I was suicidal for a long time. I first had to get outside help by going to a counselor for a couple years to learn how to manage my symptoms without needing medicine, which helped me mentally and emotionally. I then starting going back to church every Sunday, which helped me spiritually. Slowly, I started going back to the gym, which helped me physically and doing yoga almost daily helped my emotionally. It wasn’t an overnight process as I’m still working on my anxiety ridden mind.

However, I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be. I’m currently working on myself in terms of my career, my physical appearance, and my emotional/spiritual journey by going to church and doing yoga.  I don’t go to a counselor anymore because I know what helps me relieve my stress and keeps my emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy. Having a regular bedtime, exercising daily, and going to church every Saturday night helps keep my sanity. Being able to share my story through this blog is also a huge stress reliever. I look forward writing posts for my followers and get excited thinking of new topics!

I just want to thank everyone who reads my posts and would love to hear what everyone thinks. I’m always here if you need me…


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