Insecurity and Doubt

They both kill more than dreams. They kill relationships, self-esteem, and opportunities given, but never taken. Throughout my short 27 years on Earth I noticed how insecurity can be exhausting to deal with.

Growing up, I was so insecure about my body and the way I looked. People noticed it and when I started dating, guys saw me as a one night stand. I hated that feeling so I started trying to better myself. Through healthy eating, going to the gym, and going back to church every Sunday, I slowly found the confidence in me. It was always there, but I just had to chip away the ice that formed around my heart.

Once I focused entirely on myself that’s when good things started to happen to me. Slowly but surely, things started to fall into place. I was getting job offers I had no idea about, random people kept coming out of the woodwork wanting to hang out with me, and my romantic relationships were pursuing me in a healthy way. I know it was part of God’s plan for me, but God has blessed me a thousand times over in ways I don’t deserved.

However, when I told the people in my life of those blessings, it was a 50/50 type of response. 50% loved the news and the other 50% were jealous or envious. I don’t know really, but their faces said it all. That’s when I got to thinking. Why can’t we just support each other? Why can’t we relish in each other’s success and dislike in our sorrows? Was it really because the other party was jealous? What was the other party jealous of? I would be the first to admit I was jealous of one of my friends. I asked myself why was I jealous? What was it about her that made me jealous? I slowly learned why and starting making steps to achieve what my friend had. I realized after pursuing those goals of mine I wasn’t jealous anymore.

I was jealous because she had everything I wanted in life; a great job, a supportive boyfriend that now is her husband, and is living on her own in a beautiful house. There comes a time when you need to sever the ties of your parents. Meaning no matter how hard it is you got to put on your big girl pants and start becoming financially independent in hopes of moving out on your own.

Due to family matters, I have to move out in June into an apartment. I have a great job that I love and is giving me experience to get a better job to further my career. I am slowly, but surely gaining financial independence. Chipping down my credit card debt while living within my means. It’s hard, but I’m proud of myself for sticking to my budget. I’m working on my career, gaining financial independence so I can afford that apartment come June, and when the time is right finding that supportive boyfriend who will love and support me through the up’s and down’s.

Am I jealous of her anymore? No, absolutely not. I realized what I needed to work on to become a proud individual. I’m working on it day in and day out. I love my life. I’m sorry I have no one to share it with.

Jealousy is insecurity. I hate dealing with insecure people for many reasons. Not only do they drain the positivity in you, but they pick fights when there is no need for a fight. I feel like it’s drama all that time with insecure people. I can’t deal with drama. Please leave your baggage and drama at the door, no one wants to deal with bullshit.


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