I always hated my body. However, I was so sick of looking into the mirror and not loving what I saw. When your parents call you ugly, stupid, fat and then make comments about how you look “too thin” when in reality you didn’t lose a pound, you start to wonder how much more of the abuse you could take. Instead of sitting around watching TV, I decided to go for a walk or a run. Yes, without the cigarettes. I just wanted to get out in whatever weather it was to get some peace of mind. If I could lose some weight that would be nice as well.
I decided to make a change. I started working out. I started working out every day after school Monday to Thursday. I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday so it was really hard sticking to a work out schedule when you were going to school full time, working full time, and didn’t have a driver license. I did walk everywhere and I still do because I love walking. God gave me these two working legs for a reason and I will take full advantage of them. Walking everywhere probably was one of the reasons I never reach 150+ pounds.
It took me forever to commit to a routine and a schedule. I’m still working on it, but every day I just get better, stronger, and more in love with my body. I get up Monday to Friday at 6am. Depending on my work schedule, I can go to the gym before or after work. On weekends, I like to relax a little bit with my body and maybe do a HIIT workout, walk, or some yoga.
I was anorexic in high school and in college I develop binge eating disorder. I would eat very little or nothing at all some days and other days I would eat everything in sight. I was obsessed with the number on the scale. However, I wasn’t doing anything good for my health. If the number on the scale wasn’t below 125, I’d go crazy and have a panic attack.
Now I’m focusing less on the number the scale reads and more on how I feel. The scale does not measure how happy I am with myself, the scale does not show how much progress I’ve made over the past years, the scale does not show how I want from a size 12 jean to a size 4… That scale is a monster. The only reasons I have it and weigh myself once a week is to ensure that I’m doing something right in regards to my nutrition and working out. Please only weigh yourself once a week. Weight fluctuates daily.
For a solid three months I ran every.single.day. Then I got hit by a car and now I’m back to square 1. Although I’m walking every day I’d much rather be running. I have a gym routine that I do morning or night, but I’m working on becoming a morning gym rat instead of a night one. For now, I’d love to share how much I love working out. How it changed my mind and health for the better.
Before I workout I feel anxious, anxiety ridden mentally counting down the next “chore” on my to-do list. I don’t feel good when I don’t work out. I’m afraid I’m going to fail or become an anorexic again. For most of my life, when I did work out it was to the extreme because I thought I ate too much when in reality I ate too little. I’m afraid I’ll lose control and become fat again. I want to feel sexy. I want to look good. I love my curves, just not my muffin top. Oh how, I’d love to get that sexy hourglass figure…
After I workout, I feel as if I’m unstoppable. I have the ‘I can do anything’ attitude, the ‘I can conquer the world’ attitude- as if anything is possible. I know with each workout and each day I eat healthy that I am one step closer to my goal and to my dream body. A body that is capable of anything. A strong toned body with a mentally strong mind to go along with it. A body that can run a business; a body that can run a household; a body that can make men shake in their knees. Shake in their knees in the weight room, in the workplace, and in the streets. A body that is tough, that can go through childbirth, that can put up with all the bullshit in this world.
I want a body that I’m proud of. That’s why I work out.