A Reason, a Season, a Lifetime

On Thanksgiving my aunt asked me if my ex-boyfriend contacted me and he didn’t so I said no. She started to tell me how a reason, a season, a lifetime parable. I heard it before from her when Brad broke up with me so I already knew what she was going to say. I told her I had no idea about this parable so she explained it to me, again.

Well needless to say she told me the ex came into my life for a season, which means he’s there to teach so I can learn something about myself. Are you freaking kidding me?! I was 26 years old when I signed up for eHarmony, which is where we met. I was ready to find the guy I’m met to be with in life when I signed up. I paid for a year subscription in December 2014. I met the ex in April 2015, but first started communication in March. Why on Earth would you sign up for a dating service if you are not ready for a relationship?

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I spent three years being single before signing up for eHarmony. During that time, I was getting sober, quitting smoking, progress in my career, and getting into a workout routine. When I signed up, I was completely ready to find the man of my dreams. Yet, he broke me heart by telling me he needed to work on his career and save up for a car. I’m sorry. You couldn’t do that with me?! If there was something else why not communicate that with me so I wouldn’t be putting my heart back together each and every day. When I asked you what I should do regarding my career you told me I should become a LPC. I took that and ran with it. Too bad I couldn’t enjoy the ride with you…

So Brad broke up with me after four months of dating by calling me up telling me that he is breaking up with me because I’m too good for him. OMG! When are the breakup excuses going to stop?! Btw, the ex broke up with me after four months of dating too. I’m starting to see a pattern. WTF am I doing?! Please someone tell me…

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The ex was only in my life for a season to teach me something about myself?! Like how my career will never wake up one day and decide to break up with me. Like how I’m not going to deal with games and bullshit anymore. Like how I don’t believe in love anymore because I do something wrong for them to break up with me for no apparent reason… and I thought my ex was my true love. How I would wake up thinking about you, how I think about you during the day, how I go to bed thinking about you… How on our first date there was a gravitational force that only people who are met to be with each other feel.

Sometimes I wish I never met you… especially if you’re not going to come back into my again. I want someone to take these memories of us away because if you’re not going to come back into my life WHY BOTHER HAVING THEM?!

It’s an evil laugh that is currently going through my mind when the reason was to learn about myself. You weren’t in our relationship. You didn’t know all the I love you talk, you didn’t know those special moments we shared, the firsts that happened between both of us, all the when you know you know/ the one shit…

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I always refused to talk about the future with a guy because of the commitment phobia nonsense. I learned that after Brad broke up with me. My friend Steph told me it was because Brad saw me in his future as something greater than a girlfriend and it scared him. I’m sorry it’s not like I’m going to start planning a wedding the day after we get engaged. I don’t have time for that nonsense. I always said I’d start planning a wedding a year after we were engaged. Just for a moment I’d love to be with a guy who doesn’t break up with me through excuses or goals I have for myself…

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I know I’d make a great wife and a great mother. I just wish the guy I’m met to be with can see that. I love my work schedule currently because I’m about to bring the girl I babysit for to school and home again. I would love to do that with my future children, if I have any.

As for right now, I’m doing me. Paying down debt, saving up for an apartment since I need to move out in June, and working on me career.

And as always… Kisses on those Peace Sign fingers and Love…

XO Jenn

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