Depression

I’ve suffered depression since high school. Along with that, I had suicidal ideation as well. I used to think about suicide daily. However, I know if I commit suicide my mom and the rest of my family will lose it.

I was prescribed an antidepressant medicine in high school. I took it for a month when one day I chose not to take it anymore. I don’t want to rely on a controlled substance for my happiness. I want to create my own happy ending where I’m the hero in my life, in my story. I don’t need saving because I’m not broken. I will always pick myself off the ground and put the pieces back together. I’m not broken I’m just scarred.

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Last night was the first time I  thought about committing suicide. I was crying so hard that I wanted to smash a glass plate and take the broken pieces to cut my heart out just so the pain would stop. However, that’s not the answer. Why oh why cannot accept the fact that he is not in my life anymore!?

You know why? Because he did not have a legitimate reason to break up with me. That’s why it’s so hard to move on. That’s the reason why I can’t move on because my last boyfriend broke up with me by calling me on my cell telling me he is breaking up with me because I’m too good for him. Seriously!?

I’m a what you see is what you get person. I do not put on a front or try to act like someone I’m not. I had 5 boyfriends. I broke up with the first 2 because of various reasons. The 3rd one it was a mutual decision since we both came from different backgrounds and it would not last in the long run. The last 2 broke up with me by telling me I’m too good for him and for his car and career. The last two did not have legitimate reasons to break up with me.

For once just break up with me for a good reason. Can you not see yourself marrying me? Does your family not like me? I can handle whatever you throw my way. I’ve been to hell and back more times than I can count. I fought the devil and won time and time again.

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Depression and suicidal ideation is a disease. Just like alcoholism is a disease, the person who is plagued by the disease is selfish. They do not care or think about anyone, but themselves. They only think of themselves, their feelings, their emotions. They cannot see any way out of the hurt, of the suffering, of their life besides through the end of a barrel. Its a sad reality, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

I’m urging you to get help when help is needed. No one deserve to go on in a life tainted by horrors and skeletons in the closet. I sought help when I was 14 all the way till I was 24 years old. For a little bit over a decade. I trust in you that you are a strong, beautiful, smart individual. You deserve a life full of beauty, positivity, and adventure.

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I love you to the ends of the Earth and back again, even if I do not know you.

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As always, kisses on the peace sign fingers and love.

XO Jenn

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