On Friday, I spent a wonderful evening with new and old friends of mine in Phoenixville. We had a delicious dinner at Great American Pub filled with lively conversation. Afterwards, we walked over to Taste for a wine tasting, which was amazing. The night was filled with love, laughter, and incredible kindness of new friends.
During the day Friday, I was packing my lunch when my hand slipped and my salad fell onto the ground. In the past, I would have cried and sat on the floor asking God why is He continuing testing me?! This time, I sighed and started picking up my lunch while making another one. I was pleasantly surprised at myself. I think in that very moment a turning of a new leaf in my crazy beautiful life.
It showed Friday night when I was out with my friends. It was acceptance of my past, my present, and hope for my future. I told said friends the story about my father’s threat of sending me, my mother, and my grandmother to jail. I explained to them because my house is being taken by the bank come June that I will be moving out on my own at that time. I explained to them about Wednesday’s night and how it was the first time in a long time that I contemplated suicide. They listened and I felt like they heard what I said and didn’t ask questions. They accepted my story the same time I accepted my emotions. My friend, Megan, said I look better physically, emotionally, and mentally. I thanked her for that because I truly feel better and at peace with my life.
It was a beautiful night filled with fond memories. After the dinner and the wine tasting where we all took photos with each other, it was time to leave. Allison and I drove home together and we talked at my house until her Uber showed up. Allison and I had known each other since 7th grade. We lost touch during high school and college, but in graduate school we found each other again through Facebook. Oh how awesome social media is!? We sat on my couch for a half hour talking and exchanging laughs.
She asked me how I was doing. That is the most basic question you can ask anyone who has depression and suicidal ideation. It screams they honestly want to know how you are doing and they don’t need the ‘I’m okay’ bullshit. I told her about Wednesday night and how it was the first time in years I thought about suicide. I told her how I spent three to five years of my life bettering myself so depression doesn’t hinder my life, how I spent that time finding my reason to live, which became my career, just to see that progress taken away in a brief second. The pain of losing who I thought was the love of my life was too devastating to handle. I cried out that I was fine without him, I was living my life according to my rules fine! I made tremendous progress in my life and in my disease that I wasn’t afraid to hide it anymore.
I was ready to sign up for eHarmony to find the guy I’m met to be with. I was ready for a relationship because I was emotionally ready to share my life and my story with a future husband.
He made promises to me during our relationship that turned into broken promises the moment he broke up with me. That’s what killed me the most because I don’t do broken promises! When you make a promise to me, to yourself, to friends, to family you stick to your promises. At least that’s what I do. I feel like Friday wasn’t just a turning of a new leaf, but it also was a sign that my heart is complete again. My heart isn’t broken anymore, but it may have a scar, a crack, or a dent since it’s been through so much.
Allison asked me if I’d ever give the ex a second chance. I said yes because everyone deserves a second chance. People can change. He let me go. If he asked to get back together, I would say yes because insecurity and immaturity can change.
It will be tough and it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it if he really is my true love. I’m willing to work on it, is he?
As always, kisses on the peace sign fingers and love.