Terrible Tuesday: Used to being hurt

I’ve got my heart broken more times that I like to count. From friends, family, romantic relationships I was all fair game; a pawn in their game that you didn’t know you were playing; you get hurt so much that you can finally say that you are used to it.

Where you go through life only trusting yourself, asking yourself why can everyone else find happiness with another person, but wonder why no one can give you a legit reason as to break up with you. Wonder why the last three boyfriends used excuses cop outs to break your heart only to realize you may never find your happy ending, even though you did nothing wrong.

You don’t believe in love anymore. You become jaded. You start to live life by your own accord. You do you because no one else will take care of you. You take yourself out to dinners, to shopping, mani/pedis, road trips, to the gym everywhere to do anything the world allows you to do. It’s you against the world. You fall in love with yourself because you will never let yourself down.

You allow yourself to become the best version on you. You create something that no one can take away from you. Then you wonder if they think about you the way you think about them. Do they miss you? Do they cry about you? Does it hurt as much as the hurt they put you through? Do they regret letting you go? Do they even know how much you hurt?

Then you wonder why they let you go… Why the excuses? Why the cop out? Why do you attract insecure boys who can’t even give you a legit reason they are letting you go? Why bother come into my life, screw me over, screw all the progress I made in my depression and suicidal ideation, just to fuck me over? This is why you trust only yourself.

A rollercoaster of emotions that only come out when you’re alone. I wish I could take my brain and light it on fire just to take away the memories. I wish I was a millionaire so I can buy a new car that you will never be in. How you want to scream at the top of your lungs punching the air just to get the anger and frustration out.

How you wish you can unlove that person that hurt you so much by not being here…

hurt

 

As Always, kisses on the peace sign fingers and love…

XO Jenn

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